I sure hope my 401(k) doesn't carry Sony stock, because Rick Rubin's new gig as co-head of Columbia Records absolutely reeks of desperation and corporate delirium.

Take his water-testing insistence that Columbia "go green" and abolish plastic jewel boxes (a perfectly defensible move on aesthetic grounds alone) -- and yet he tools around Los Angeles in a Range Rover! Moreover, his first priority is reportedly to relocate the company's L.A. and Manhattan offices, in order to shake up Colubmia's stodgy workplace culture. This is the best way to spend dwindling millions?

When Rubin actually does talk concretely about business, he simply mouths every cliche about what's wrong with the record industry today. Behold these blinding insights: "Until a new model is agreed upon and rolling, we can be the best at the existing paradigm; but until the paradigm shifts, it's going to be a declining business. This model is done."

The record industry is in worse shape than I thought.

If there's ever a blogospheric topic that warrants a one-word title, it'd be Britney Spears' "comeback" performance last night at the MTV Video Music Awards. (I'd link to an online video of it, but it's a shade too vulgar for a family Web site.)

Let's just say the performance was all downhill from the moment she referenced Elvis' '68 comeback special. When you can't be bothered even to lip-sync, let alone sing, let's just say you might be in the wrong business. And, while I'm no dance critic, I don't think I'm off the reservation when I say Britney appeared to be moving as though she was wearing ankle restraints.

What's the point of piling on, however? The fact that she's being talked about at all -- even in tones of embarrassment and concern for mental health and well-being -- seems to have been the point of the entire exercise. I just hope, for Britney's sake, that she's playing along willingly. From the looks of things, she barely wanted to be there last night.

Critic Rob Sheffield puts a finger on precisely why I can't get into K.T. Tunstall:

Set the way-back machine for 1997! Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind and Primitive Radio Gods are the rock stars of the future. People are still walking around saying, "You are so money, baby!" Nobody's heard of Napster, reality TV or Britney. Puff Daddy is all over the airwaves rapping, "Ten years from now we'll still be on top," which turned out to be half true. And everybody complains about how conservative Bill Clinton is -- can't wait for the real Democrats to take over in 2000.

So let's wade through the Lilith Fair parking lot and ask everybody the same question: Who's still going to be famous in 2007, Alanis or Gwen? Trust me, everybody's going to give the same answer -- we'll get ninety-nine Alanises for every Gwen. Everybody knows Alanis is the crest of a patchouli-scented, Lilith-sponsored future for femme folk rockers. That Gwen girl, she's just a flash in the pop pan -- outlasting Alanis? That'd be like predicting Green Day would stay famous longer than Pearl Jam! Talk to the hand!

Ten years after, KT Tunstall is the kind of Alanis who gets over -- the kind who borrows a lot of pop guile from Gwen. Her second album, Drastic Fantastic, would fit seamlessly into 1997, and it's easy to imagine "Hopeless" or "Saving My Face" getting played on Lilith-era radio in between Paula Cole, Fiona Apple and Meredith Brooks hits.

Coincidentally, Matt Yglesias is in a 1997 kind of mood as well. He's hoping for a '90s rock renaissance.

Please, God, no.

Granted, I was a bit of a temperamental reactionary in my teens, but '90s rock was the reason I got so heavily into classic rock. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Oasis Smashing Pumpkins -- these bands sounded to me like excessively polished replicas of great '70s and '80s rock and punk (well, maybe not the Pumpkins: they were generally just too darn pretentious).

Now, at 31, I'm more attuned to, and into, what's out now than I ever was in high school or college. It's like rock music picked up where the last Replacements album left off -- and the '90s might as well have never occurred at all.