The Daily Telegraph -- a paper we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE -- is releasing the first part of its list of the 100 most influential conservatives and 100 most influential liberals in America. We fully expect to be in the top tier of one of these lists, not sure which, but one -- particularly if they take our "special" political and ideological expertise into account. We can't wait to see who is No. 1. Guesses? El Rushbo, Bill O'Reilly, Newt, Bill Clinton, George Clooney -- mebbe several celebs will show up here. We bet Washington's clerisy is clamouring to check out the hierarchy.

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Maybe that new Argentinian president, who is a stone-cold fox -- well, she IS and she deserves our props -- will give some style pointers to some of our U.S. candidates, not that we are suggesting anyone in particular. Man, South America is a hotbed for hot people, no? They breed 'em beautiful down there. Or at least fix 'em up to look super pretty. We can't wait to see her policy (er, ummmm outfits) in action. If we were a well-known fashion designer, we would be sending her our latest frocks straightaway. It's almost like Miss Universe got her own country to run.

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Just so you all know, we have included on our list of top five things we'd take to a deserted island, a high-quality flatiron. Please make a note of it.

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The most anticipated Washington wedding of the whole year is going on this Sunday at Temple Micah. We can hardly contain our excitement for the bride, Miss Shana Greatman, a Washington attorney with a big brain and a lovely soul.

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We are sorry to hear that Robert Goulet has gone to that great stage in the sky. He was sufficiently unusual for us. It was the eyes.

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A University of Florida (GO GATORS) student who yelped '"Don't Tase me, bro!" as he was zapped by campus police with a stun gun and arrested after persistent questioning of Sen. John Kerry has avoided criminal charges if he apologizes and enters a voluntary 18-month probation, the Associated Press reports. What we still want to know is can we get a "Don't tase me, bro!" t-shirt. We think it will make an excellent stocking stuffer for collegiate-minded folk from all over. DUDE.

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We'd be lyin' if we said we didn't miss the Anna Nicole controversy just a wee bit. It was a lot more fun than the Britney parenting dramas.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We think it's funny that a Connecticut school district is gonna grade parents on how good a job they are doing -- being parents. We love it that apparel and decency are part of the report card. We've seen a lot of mangy parents out there, that's for sure, particularly the ones who wear sweatpants as business apparel. But these teachers who are doing the grading should be really afraid this will backfire -- cause then some of these parents are gonna demand accountability. If little Johnnie does bad on the state test, then even the C-minus parents in acid-wash jeans can lobby for school choice, quality teachers and a whole bunch of other unmentionables. This ought to get REALLY fun. Snaps.

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It's Halloween and we finally decided on a costume. We grew tired of being a Scores "employee" and besides that outfit is SO cold ... so we got one of our mom's polyester business suits from 1977 in a bland shade of khaki, then we put on a pair of comfortable but bland pumps, then we left off our good quality concealer, flattened our chest and then, we channeled our best passive-aggressive militant man-hating feminist chick mantra -- and voila. With the Hillary mask, we feel very in the sprit of this holiday. We really do. Tee.

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Congress is planning on a shorter work week and ... so are we. The Democrats dig the socialism so this will be perfect. Perhaps everyone should follow suit. Then America will be as productive as Congress.

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We are infinitely fascinated with the marketing industry, as our better half writes about cars and how those get sold. Here's a fun Web site that helps us keep track of cool stuff, because life is short and you have to keep up: shorttakesblog.brandweek.com. Enjoy, funseekers.

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One in four dads spends an hour or less with his kids each day, according to a recent survey. No wonder we are raising a generation of self-absorbed, overweight, computer-game-addicted wimps.

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Speaking of parenting: Britney’s mom is gonna write a tell-all book. Because she's done such a great job, she's now an expert.

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RIP. Country crooner and Dolly's favorite duet partner Porter Wagoner is dead. We dug his rhinstone suits, his teased and sprayed hair. We thought he was cool, just country enough for country, ya know. We hope he joins a right fine angel band up there.

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Was that actually a World Series? Happened so fast, not even a contest. Snooze. We've seen spring training games better than those.

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In case you were concerned: McRib is back. Please make a note of it.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We watched footage of Mrs. Bill Clinton's 60th birthday party. It looked like a nice event with some fun music. Her hair was good and Elvis Costello was a great touch. We thought it kind of telling, though, that she approached Chelsea on stage and told her how much she loved her, repeatedly and then she approached Bill and hugged him appropriately but there was no real personalization. From the stage, he says he is proud of her but then he goes on with "we" love you, as opposed to "I." It just seems perfunctory and tepid, but maybe that's OK after all these years. We wonder if hostility lingers between these two, but power trumps anything else. Sigh. None of our business, but something does seem missing in this coupling. He will be a terrific vice president/chief of staff/secretary of state/ambassador to the Middle East.

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Someone is stealing undies at Victoria's Secret. Thefts in five states. Maybe that is why we are having trouble finding anything tasteful in 36C. AS IF.

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We love that new governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal. We heard him on television this weekend and we were ready to jump on his bandwagon. Now this is the type of new, young and well-educated Republican needed to move this party forward. Certainly, Louisiana is in need of reform. We hope he can bring it. He seems like a total breath of fresh air and a smart dude to boot. If he is as cool as Charlie Crist in Florida, these Southern states are in increasingly good shape.

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Barack has gone either all-angry or all-Jesus on Hillary in what seems like an increasingly desperate attempt to set himself apart and draw his own attention in a race that is turned ever one-sided. Maintain dignity, B. You had us more interested when you weren't trying too hard. You need some more Oprah juice.

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Laura Bush on the Sunday Fox talk show with Chris ... loving the green wrap, looking glam and acting elegantly chatty as always. She is the master of discretion, a yin to the Cowboy Dubya yang. We dig it that she says she will vote Republican, rather than cast a vote for a woman. She is resolute. Wonder if other women of her age will feel the same way?

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Governor Terminator, looking good during the firecasts. We can dig his Zen anger toward the suspected arsonist. If we were that person, we would be halfway to Cabo already. Perhaps justice here would be to turn him loose in San Diego County wearing a sign that says "I set the fires." It'd save Cally taxpayers the expense of trying him.

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If you were a diplomat and your choice was to move to Iraq and man our U.S. outpost there or be fired, would you not consider Option B? It would take a lot of guts to settle down in that insurgent miasma. Not a lot of protection, still a wild, wild place. We'd be looking hard for work in the private sector, particularly if we had a family. Probably sounds cowardly, but not exactly the embassy we'd choose for career -- and life -- stability. Ick.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We love it how Greta Van Susteren is touting the fact that Kuwaiti men are all showing up to see and take pictures of First Lady Laura Bush, who is traveling in that country to encourage breast cancer awareness. Mrs. Bush is one of those people who is really beautiful up close — photos don't do her justice. She has aged terrifically during her White House years. We think she looks FAB! Snaps.

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We like it that people evacuated to Qualcomm Stadium seem to be getting along quite well, despite the fire disaster there in San Diego. Perhaps we learned something with Katrina. Or not.
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Our galpal Kathy who lives in a coastal town in San Diego County has so far escaped the fire's wrath. We asked her what she planned to take with her if she was forced out and she said her passport and her pets. And we had to giggle at the thought of her — kind of this spike-heeled, high-maintenance babe of an attorney — evacuating with a bunny and a cat in a convertible Mercedes. And on that note, is there a Ritz-Carlton in Tijuana?
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We LOVE baseball, but this series match-up is boring us into the ground. Sigh. We really were rooting for Cleveland and, of course, our beloved Tigers. We used to be a Reds fan, but that's kind of like Little League with big guys these days. AS IF.
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Mariah Carey says she wants to get married before having children and for a girl who kinda always looks like she wants something else before she gets married, well, it was a nice thing to hear. Perhaps she is a traditionalist at heart. All we're sayin…
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Marilyn Manson's home is on the market for a cool $1.1 million in Chatsworth, Calif. We are thinking of calling the Realtor for a personal tour. Ya never know. We could be quite happy there, particularly if some of his makeup "conveys."
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As we head into this daylight savings time bugger — when everything gets dark around 4 p.m. — we could seriously use some new episodes of "Entourage." We need a winter lift. We really do. We are getting super-addicted to "Tell Me You Love Me." Lots of attractive folks in the buff here. Complex, too.
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How is this for a political prediction: what happens in Florida on Jan. 29 is gonna tell us EVERYTHING about what's going down in November. We think the Sunshine State is gonna be a big barometer of things to come. We really do.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Well, we could hypothesize that the Southern California real estate market is perhaps hitting the skids after years of insanity. We could also guess that all of our insurance rates are gonna rise like there is no tomorrow after all the flames are out and the adjustors come calling. This is gonna be a parallel to Hurricane Katrina, no? We hate to bring bad news, but man, the potential for a lot of refugees here is huge. Wonder if Ahnuld will pull a Nagin? Bush better fire up the federal ATM on this one. Not that we have any cash floating around. It's all in Iraq.

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Hey: a big blue ribbon and and Miss Andrea kiss to the first candidate to throw some of that big money he's got stockpiled for '08 at the soon-to-be-organized fire relief fund.
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In other fire news: Mebbe George Clooney will organize another concert — for Cali. Just like he did for those tsunami folks. Stay tuned. Kanye West should headline, since he's angry that MTV let Britney step on his groove at the VMAs.
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We have caught some recent pix of Paris Hilton, traveling abroad to promote stuff — whatever that means —and she sure is bulking up. Perhaps it was the prison life that got to her, a reformed con. Look at the photos. Too many In & Out Burgers? One too many Burrito Supremes at Taco Bell? Wait — it's the ubiquitous "thyroid" problems or hormonal issues or … too many calories. And we thought she was skinny untouchable. (Or, could she be preggers like galpal Nicole? We know she was always jealous of the little squirt who should be just about at a normal body weight at nine months, we think.)
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Just in time for Christmas (we can still say 'Christmas,' right, or will the PC police show up soon? Memo to self: reload Glock now.): www.monthlysocks.com.
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U.S. Senate candidate Al Franken (just typing that scares us only slightly less than the words U.S. Senate candidate Alec Baldwin) has walked a "day in the shoes" of a nurses' aide as part of a "nationwide program to make sure politicians understand firsthand what life is like for working people." AS IF. Aren't all politicians lawyers, or preachers or car dealers? We thought so.
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The new Spice Girls single has been released on perezhilton.com. Just fyi. We know how many of you District-ites are DYING for this news.
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Charlie Crist for vice president. We are beginning the campaign now, but he must promise to dye those eyebrows a bit to match his gray hair. They are ever so dark and it's bugging us.
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We made fun of Rep. Connie Mack (the little one, not the dad one) for supporting Mittens for president, but we will give him this: he looked and sounded super great on the Fox News pre-show with Sean Hannity before Sunday's Republican presidential debate. He certainly stuck to his talking points well, and we thought he looked nice. That Mary Bono has excellent taste. We wonder when this wedding will take place. We'd like to send a gift because they look ever so cute together. They are kinda like the only two truly attractive folks in Congress. We are glad they connected. We thought the Big Connie was an excellent senator, too.
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Dear Osama: WHATEVER on your new tape. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz …test pattern … ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Our morning-after debate recap -- a 8.0 on a 10-point Miss Andrea scale -- and other insouciant musings of note:

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Coif alert, coif alert: We were watching Sunday night's Orlando face-off and we were alerted to the fact that Mittens got a haircut. We are happy to note that he looks much less like an undertaker or car dealership owner. Major snaps. We would like to see him be a little bit meaner. A good hairdo always helps us in this way.

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"I would much rather lose a campaign than lose a war," says John McCain. Bravo, senator. We like it that he's in it to win it -- for our military. We also like it that he made fun of Mrs. Clinton's Woodstock Museum. It is clear they all think that Mrs. Bill Clinton is the candidate to beat. Hardly anything at all about Obama.

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We think it's cool that Giuliani has spent some quality time in Miami's Little Havana. We used to live near there and it's a fascinating place filled with proud and colorful folk. He is right about Cuban Americans and their patriotism. It's laudible. We hope enough Cuba natives live here live long enough to see us take over their country and free it from Communist tyranny. They deserve nothing less. Plus, there are really great beaches there.

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Our Tampa gal pal Cindy says Charlie Christ will probably be president one day and ya know, if he can keep the rumors at bay and continue leading like he has been, he's on track for such a position. Even though he came after Jeb Bush, he is charting his own course in a state that is incredibly unique. We will continue to watch his progress.

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We are a big Mary Matalin fan -- could her bob be any more parfait? -- but we don't really understanding her unwavering support for Fred Thompson. Not that he's a bad guy, it's just we want her to support a winner because having her in your corner come election time is a good thing. Fred did so much better last night, tho ...

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We are no Yankees fan, but we gotta say that it makes us sick the way Joe Torre was treated. We think Steinbrenner gave him no respect and that hacks us off. We sort of felt like he was the heart and soul of the team, even though the whole line-up is star-studded. Torre's leaving creates such a hole in the whole Yankee mystique. It takes a special person to manage in that town. It really does.

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Do you think that commentator Bill O'Reilly has become too arrogant to watch. We wonder.

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"Arrogant without portfolio," a phrase from our longtime friend and confident Bill. In this long political cycle, we think it could apply to several folks who are candidates and a whole lot of other folks inside the Beltway, no?

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We are pleased as punch to announce that they now make "princess pasta" and you can buy it right in your local grocery. We have ordered several cases of this perfect chow.

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Kid Rock was arrested this weekend after he and members of his entourage got into a fight at a Waffle House outside Atlanta after a show. We just love it that he's dining at one of our fave places ever. Most musicians on the road will tell you it's a welcome sight.

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And finally, to put those rumors to rest: Yes, Nic Sarkozy has called us, but no, we don't dig short dudes, even ones who run nations. AS IF. (We would welcome, however, a nice gift of some free Louis Vuitton, particularly some new luggage, but a purse would also be fine.)

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Dude: Hillary's Woodstock Museum won't be funded by Congress. Apparently the moon is not in the 7th House and Jupiter has failed to align with Mars.

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Do you know anyone who would actually want their junior high student to have unfettered access to birth control? We are not a prude and we are a realist, but c'mon. That makes us kind of sick.

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News we can all use: The Spice Girls' new video is slated to hit Nov. 2. Please calendar this important date now.

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Tiger Woods has endorsed Gatorade Tiger, a new flavor. We wonder how it mixes. Around the 8th or 9th hole, close to the Windmill, we enjoy an adult bev. It makes us forget how bad we can be at Putt-Putt.

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Our new heroes: Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon, of Montgomery, Ala., who came home to find a burglar in their home. They held him at gunpoint and made him clean up the mess he'd made when he ransacked their place. The burglar actually complained to police who told him lesser folks would have shot him right there. We think he should be forced by the court to come back and fix their house until it's perfect. Making him work would be some actual justice. We also think the TSA folks who mess up our perfectly packed princess gear at the airport must be required to repack it the same way they found it. AS IF.

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The FBI has raided magician David Copperfield's warehouse in Vegas amid allegations of sexual assault — in Washington State. We wonder what they were looking for. He has always struck us as an extremely odd bug, just kinda creepy in that unexplainable way.

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Brit singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested for pot possession. This is not her first scrape with the law. Last summer, as a sworn officer in the fashion police, we issued her a citation for her "artistry" with eyeliner and her overuse of ballerina flats. She pleaded no contest, citing hairspray issues.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Mayor Rudy has been calling Hillary out recently, and ya know, if those two make it out of the primary as the nominees, it's gonna be delightfully nasty. The good news is she can't make fun of his personal history 'cause he'll fight back with memories of Monicagate. Quid pro quo, funseekers. We can hardly wait to see those two try to take the gloves off.

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Speaking of elections: Stephen Colbert is running for president, and FINALLY, we have a candidate weird enough for us. Truthiness in 08! He should debate Ron Paul.

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A super-fun site: www.globalincidentmap.com/home.php

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The other night, as we were sleeping in our "hawk" mask, we had this super-cool dream: Putin, Ahmadinejad, Castro, Chavez and a couple of the other All-Global Hater All-Stars were all hanging out together in a Bad Nation Summit — someplace far, far away (with no good malls or cable) — all angry, talkin' smack against Dubya and liquored up. Then, suddenly in the sky, a dozen U.S. Air Force bomber jets appeared overhead and dropped a pile of the goodstuff on the bullseye. Smoke, total devastation. We woke up feeling so refreshed. We really did.

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For the first time in a long while — possibly forever — we agree with the ACLU. A Scranton, Pa. woman is facing 90 days in jail and a fine of up to $300 for cursing loudly inside her home — with the window open — after her upstairs toilet began overflowing. Her neighbor, an off-duty police officer, heard the profanity from her home next door and asked the woman to shut up. When she did not, the officer called police, who charged her with disorderly conduct. An ACLU attorney says the citation was wrong: "You can't prosecute something for swearing at a cop or a toilet. Some police departments … do not remember that they are not the language police."

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Rep. Connie Mack, R.-Fla., has endorsed Mittens. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Isn't that kinda like betting on a horse with three legs?

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Seen "Indoctrinate U?" Some universities do not remember that they aren't the speech police, either. We truly hope someone will finance this fab film for wide release. It should be seen:

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That dude now in jail for allegedly raping a 3-year-old and videotaping it … we think, if he's convicted, that he's going to have a real "pleasant" time in prison. All we're sayin …

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That trooper in Tennessee who resigned over having a tryst with a porn star he'd stopped for a traffic violation — and perhaps trying to hook up with other ladies in lieu of giving them a citation — is quite a Cooter, no? Probably one of those dudes with two first names. We'd love to see a photo of the "victim." Just because we would. Tee.

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If our Big Daddy Dick Cheney is Barack O's eighth cousin, does this mean he might endorse him? Or advise him? Wouldn't it be super cool to find out decades from now that he did? Mysteries.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Is there anyone who really believes that Mayor Rudy and John McCain could get along long enough to run on the same ticket? They do pack a powerful name-recognition punch, but not a lot of youthful innovation.

The GOP needs a young, hot, brilliant candidate to kickstart its slate -- a right-wing, Ben Affleck-type with a nice education pedigree, say, an MBA from Princeton with a BA in government from some place cool. And a desperate backstory: raised by wolves but found by cowboys who taught him to rope, and then he got a rodeo scholarship. Yeah, that's the ticket. We are scouring fraternity houses now for future playahs.

Someone must cull this future heard cause the current landscape seems mighty grim. (Have you seen those governors out there? Ick. Cack). If not us, then who? Tee.

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Wait a second, wait a second, our political genius has kicked up in high gear: We've come up with a GOP veep to go well with frontrunner Rudy: Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is doing some kind of job down there marshalling both sides of the aisle in the freaky but fab Sunshine State -- so much so that black groups are calling him the state's first black governor. He used to work for former Florida Sen. Connie Mack (the dad, not the boy). He'd be terrific as a veep.

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If we were Mittens, we would save some of that money we're spending (of our own) -- dang, that's a wad of cash -- and buy a cool house in St. John or someplace Caribbean where it's quiet and beachy. He's become the Dick DeVos of the presidential election pack.

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We got the new Joel Osteen book. It's terrific. We think he's the greatest motivator of people. Sometimes when we get really down, we can listen to him and turn it around. We do wish he'd fix his teeth tho. Those front ones are kinda rednecky.

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Donny Osmond is about to turn 50 in December. We loved him when we were little. But wait a minute ... this could mean that we are also old, too? Crimony ... this is serious. We must do the math. We think Marie looks prettier and prettier on "Dancing with the Stars." She is a very good brunette and is getting skinnier with every show.

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Man, Anna Nicole Smith was taking a pile of drugs at her death, something like 11 prescriptions. That's a lot, even for a committed prescription drug abuser. It's too bad she didn't live in Appalachia. She could have had OxyContin or lortab out the tushie, the way those docs there serve it up like candy. No wonder she seemed like such a whack job on Entertainment Tonight. What physician would think this was OK?

AS IF.

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All these little-girl celebs like Lindsay and Britney are gonna turn into baseball gloves at 40 if they keep going to the tanning salons. Everytime you see the paparazzi footage, they are going off to tan. We hope it's the spray stuff. We love that. But those beds are gonna fry their mag-ready visages. Lindsay was a very pretty teenager but she's looking like a very haggard 20-something. Sunscreen, baby, SPF 30 and lay off the Grey Goose and Marlboros while you're at it.

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Oh, they can ration water down in Georgia, but we betcha $100 they won't cut off the beer there. Or the fried stuff. Now THAT would be a real crisis.

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Fred Thompson has asserted that he is the "real" conservative, but at this point, who cares? That is not what will win this election for the Republicans. It might appease the so-called base but it ain't a winner. At this point, Thompson can quack all he wants about his record, but at the end of the day, he's just another old white guy in a field of old white guys. Sigh. See item No. 1.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Mel Gibson tops the list of Beliefnet.com's most powerful Hollywood Christians, which strikes us as a little odd, given his most recent travails -- but ya know, we're just gonna forgive him, too. We all make mistakes, some bigger and more public than others. Can we get an amen? Denzel Washington, yum, yum, dim sum, comes in second followed by TV star and pro-life advocate Patricia Heaton. Angela Bassett and Martin Sheen also make the list along with some studio types whose names are less familiar.

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We spent several years working in Miami, a great news town full of stories that defy human possibilities -- see Hiaasen, Carl. Most recently, we came across a byline by our former colleague Laura Figueroa of the Miami Herald who wrote about Hialeah city council incumbent Jose "Pepe" Caragol, 76, who is known for his one-liners and who is running for reelection on his own unique "slogan." "Si te gusta el sexo oral, vote po Caragol por consejal," he said in several interviews on Spanish television. We'll let all you globalists translate the Espanol, but remember, there are no typos. That's exactly what he said.

•••

The other night at dinner -- over a mound of sushi -- one of our pals mentioned Diane Rehm in the same sentences as Harry Reems and we all goonily pondered if they were related. Tee. Hee. Probably too much sake.

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Hooray: The Duke lacrosse coach who left under a cloud of scandal after the stripper lied about the rape, has sued the school cause they violated a clause in his settlement agreement not to talk bad about him. We hope he gets a pile of dough. We are so glad to see him tell them to stuff it. We hope he has the meanest lawyer EVER.

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Spiegel, the fun catalogue retailer, (and one of our secret online shopping havens) will open its first retail store this fall. We could not be more pleased.

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Putin: Rhymes with "I've turned into a doughy, ungrateful, bullying ass." Go get him, Condi. He makes us miss Gorby sometimes.

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We don't dislike Rita Cosby, but we think she's probably in serious trouble with her book. We think she published without confirming her info, relying on some Third World source who was looking for money to gab. We think she's gonna get her pants sued off for a flat-footed tome that isn't even that huge a seller. Do people really want publicity so much that they are willing to take the legal risk on these kinds of projects? Double AS IF.

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Speaking of pants off: What IS Monica Lewinsky doing these days? A free Miss Andrea fashion critique for the first person who gives us the skinny on our most favorite presidential paramour. OK, we liked Jennifer Flowers better, but mazel tov on that one.

•••

We fear something must be deeply and cosmically wrong. No, sillies, not the Al Gore Nobel prize -- that was just freakily insane and we had to medicate ourselves to cope. The problem is, we went to DSW the other day and did not find ONE pair of cute shoes. The only pair we even liked a little bit were uncomfortable. Perhaps THIS is a byproduct of "global warming." Our well-pedicured princess feet are swelling due to the marginally documented climate shifts that many scientists have questioned. Now it's getting personal.

•••

Commentary on Fox News Saturday morning that caught our ear: "She is a socialist, she is a parasite on wealth. Hillary wants to turn the United States into Venezuela."

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Our guilty gym treadmill pleasure: Watching "I Love New York" on VH-1. She and her hoochie mamma are quite a terrible twosome. Holla.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Our beloved Snoopy Spaniel, Tipper Louise, has died.

We don't feel much like blogging, so today, we'll take time to be sad.

She was a rare and elusive breed.

RIP.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

It's been a bad week already for angry youth. First the young cop in Wisconsin gets mad at his former girlfriend and opens fire on her and her friends. Then, a kid who got suspended in Cleveland opened fire on teachers and students at his high school. What to say… we would add that the Ohio dude was a Marilyn Manson fan, so at least he had good taste in music. We have interviewed Marilyn Manson and we found him charming, witty and smart — to wit it's hard to ignore a man who does better make-up than you, AS IF. We hope a bunch of liberal dimwit parents and teachers don't blame this violence on Manson, like they tried in Columbine. He's HARDLY the problem.

•••

The Goo Goo Dolls headlined a fundraiser for Mrs. Bill Clinton. That was harsh. Johnny Rzeznik has long been on our list of how shall we say. … rockers we admire (wink, nudge). Mebbe they just played this gig for the money. We hope so.

•••

Jimmy Carter is becoming like an SNL character — angry old guy. Seriously. Whaddya think about his teeing off on our Big Daddy Dick Cheney, calling him a "militant" and a "disaster." Mebbe all those peanuts have caused some brain damage. If we had his track record in office, we wouldn't be throwing all those political stones. His criticism abroad diminishes his position. It really does.

•••

We also like it that Big Daddy is sticking with his guns on Rumsfeld. We sure do miss the Rummy press conferences. He was cinematic. BTW: Does he still have his little dog Reggie?

•••

Somewhere out there across the globe, someone is making a Burka Barbie. You remember how Linda Blair's head spun around in "The Exorcist." Yep… that's exactly what is happening to us here. Barbie is supposed to look sexy, Western and iconic. Double AS IF.

•••

That marriage to the young blonde animal activist is gonna cost Sir Paul McCartney a pile of Beatles money, by some estimates $120 million. Apparently "All you need is love" — AND a big settlement agreement. We think this was totally a rebound after losing Linda. We really do. We feel sad for Macca. His little girl looks cute, tho, and we do like his older daughter Stella's clothes.

•••

That actress Michelle Rodriquez sure do like to get her swerve on. She's had more DUI arrests than most of Hollywood. She's a tough chick, tho, saying publicly that she can handle the jail time. Perhaps she could bunk up with Keifer Sutherland, who also seems a committed bar hound.

— Andrea Billups, Washington Times

Well, we watched with high interest the latest Republican debate in Dearborn — ICK, like WHERE? — and we found ourselves so bored by this cadre of the average that we were comparing each of the candidates to one of their corresponding Seven Dwarves.

We'll keep you guessing on who was whom. We were semi-amused at Mittens saying he was afraid Gov. Goodsuit — aka Jennifer Granholm — might tax them while they were in Michigan. Hopefully all got out quickly before she blamed THEM for Michigan's economic woes. Baggy-eyed Freddy (Sleepy) was jocular and did no harm. He was right to say that there is no recession. Economically, we are on track, but the spending part we gotta fix. All in all the night was a big C-minus. But ...

There was one HUGE high point. Our intrepid political reporting colleague Christina, a California girl through and through, astutely pointed out that it looks for all the world like Mayor Rudy has SERIOUS BOTOX.

He emoted like crazy in his little demi-spar with Mittens, but his whole forehead did not move!

If this is true, we are TRES, TRES delighted.

We are sure his little wife No. 3 (or is it 4? We get confused) turned him on to the stuff. She looks like a woman who knows her way around high-end personal care. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Our own princess visage hasn't moved since 1996 and so we recommend it for everyone. It's totally fab and only hurts a little.

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In other news: We think the Roberto Cavalli maternity wear that J.Lo is sporting looks ever so cute. We have interviewed said fashion god — yes, there was an interpreter there to augment his Italian — and we found him to be such a delight. Cavalli loves women, and his stuff for Jenny's tour really is working for her. Didya know her little husband, Skeletor, has a thang for Kentucky Fried Chicken? He needs to eat a lot more of that stuff.

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www.zabasearch.com. You can find anyone on this site. Loving it.

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We are so delighted that caramel apple cider is back at Starbucks. We'll drink it all winter, too.

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Our sick snoopy spaniel deluxe is having a good week. She is hanging in at age 12. Dogs have to be among God's greatest inventions, no? So many lessons for us all.

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To all these automotive strikes by American manufacturers ... snooze. Whatever (making W with hands gesture). Your union stranglehold is over. You've tanked your industry and are now eclipsed by Toyota, et. al. Get over yourselves. Your model for employment is done. ZZZZZZZ ... go ahead and strike. No one will notice. ZZZZZ.

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Our ultra-secret guilty viewing pleasure: "Gossip Girl." We quite like it.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We love "Dancing With the Stars," but that ponytail on Wayne Newton scared us silly. We may have to medicate to sleep.

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Ozzy Osbourne and his lovely wife Sharon are auctioning off furnishings from their three homes, saying they have too much stuff. We can hardly believe our good fortune and we may be phoning in a few bids on these Goth-rocker goods. We have been meaning to refurbish our suburban news lair and angry Black Sabbath trinkets seem just the thing. We recently bought a cool skull mug for Halloween. It's perfect for pumpkin ale. We got it at Wal-Mart. Don't ask. Don't tell.

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Not to moralize — but wait, of course we will — if people spent less time trying to remove God from our everyday lives and more time on their own good deeds, how much better off would we be. This nationwide assault on Christianity hurts us a lot.

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Since 1969, the $100 bill is the largest one out there in public use. Who knew? We had previously relied on the Monopoly money for our currency cues.

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We find ourselves strangely happy for J.Lo and her pregnancy. We wonder if her little — and we do mean little — husband will be faithful, given his past history, which ain't so good. We mean, who cheats on Miss Universe? AS IF.

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The early rushes on the Gordon Brown reign aren't good. We are already missing Tony Blair. We thought he was a very lovely public speaker and at least was no cut-and-runner.

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Speaking of Great Britain: we'd love to see the pix of Prince William snorting vodka. That is SO collegiate. We love it that he is kinda bad in a mischievous way. Speaking of mischievous, we wonder how the Jenna Bush wedding plans are shaping up. We hope it's a White House wedding. We adore all of the formality, the pomp, the expensive ta-dos. Perhaps if she doesn't, Chelsea can. Tee.

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Our first-rate movie tip of the week: "Freeway" starring Miss Reese Witherspoon and Mr. Keifer Sutherland. This is an underrated goodie. You may thank us later.

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C'mon, admit it: Secretly you giggled at the photo of Hillary in a witch's hat. You know you did.

— Andrea Billups, Washington Times

It's Columbus Day and here's what you should know: Columbus never actually set foot in what is known as America. He was further south in Cuba, the Virgin Islands, Haiti — but never here. Still, we can dig his pioneering spirit. He thought he found Asia. He was a bit off, dontchathink? We can sympathize. We also have trouble with directions and maps.

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Our boyz in the Duke lacrosse team rape foible have filed a massive federal lawsuit against that runaway prosecutor Mike Nifong, the city of Durham, N.C., and the three polices detectives who handled the case — Larry, Moe and Curly Joe. We hope they get a wad of dough.

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Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Please consider this your warning.

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We suspect that passive-aggressive moment Hillary had in Iowa this weekend with the dude who questioned her war stance may be closer to the real person she is than most of the public is seeing on the campaign trail. It's probably getting harder and harder for her to suppress — given that she's the frontrunner and bringing in all that money — and it could be her one real weakness if it keeps being exposed in a public forum. All we're sayin ... is she probably should fear YouTube. That footage of her all angry and defensive could end up in an Obama ad.

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What about the Rhode Island artist who built an apartment in the mall parking lot and lived there for four years? That is the definition of crafty and also our dream living situation, providing it was a quality mall. Proximity to high-quality retail moves us.

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We were watching video of Clarence Thomas' book party on C-SPAN and we were struck by the justice's interest in everyone he spoke with. Rather than accept accolades, he focused on that person's interests, the details of their lives, and he did so with great humor. He seems shockingly likeable and not at all what we expected. His wife seemed normal, too. Who knew?

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The leaves are falling, the pumpkins are aplenty. We love fall. It's the prettiest season ever. We are not eager, however, to fall back into daylight savings time. We hate the early evening darkness. AS IF

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O.J. Simpson's surrendered Rolex was a FAKE. We wonder if his Louis Vuitton weekender bag is also a knockoff. He probably bought it on Ebay. Snip, snip.

-- Andrea Billups, Washington Times

Dear Mr. Obama: Not wearing your American flag pin is probably a bad idea, no matter how you wanna justify it. While we think your explanation is interesting, we're pretty sure in most parts of the country, particularly the ones where flags still mean something and people are less intellectually complex, they won't understand, even if you meant well. You are new and dynamic but you need the kind of credibility that comes with a respect for tradition.

Your pal,

Miss Andrea

Wonder if John Edwards secretly wants his wife to tone it down a notch -- she's going after just about everyone these days -- but won't say anything cause he's gonna let her have her peace at this difficult time in her life?

Hey, hey ... the Craigster is back in Congress. Mebbe they'll get him his own bathroom with a year's supply of paper, perhaps a doc for his iPod, some delicious Kiehl's products, a few George Michael CDs.

Raise your fabulously manicured hands: How many of ya'll just had to look at those Princess Diana car wreck pix? We are SO busted, too. Gruesome. Sad. Compelling.

Our Britney is stripping in her new video ... which is where she's gonna end up if she isn't careful. Who among her cadre of quality advisers thought this one up?

AS IF.

She probably just needs to pose for Hustler and get it over with. Sigh ... she needs to be signed up for good taste rehab, not just the drug and alcohol stuff. Who are we kidding ... she needs a good therapist far from the Hollywood glare.

We are in Vermont and whaddya know. There aren't that many hippie Phish-types like we thought. We are disappointed in the lack of copious tie-dye. Yes, we went past the Ben and Jerry's ice cream HQ, but no, we did not stop for a taste test. We are regretting it already. BTW: the cheddar here is quite nice. It really is. If it weren't for TSA restrictions, we'd stuff our carryons full of syrup. It's all over the place here.

We totally love that song "Pioneer to the Falls," by Interpol. So haunting, so fab.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Here's a tip for those folks in Oak Lawn, Ill., whose principal has decided the kids can't celebrate Christmas at school: Put them in a different school, a religious school, another public school, wherever you can find space. Or consider homeschooling.

That district relies on a head count for federal money. Fewer kids, less money.

That'll bite 'em where they can understand it, and pretty soon, you'll have Christmas AND Halloween again.

Ridiculous political correctness. It's been a bad year for kids in Illinois.

Those braintrusts in the Michigan legislature have caved in to Governor Goodsuit, the thespian wannabe, and will now tax personal care services. It means more expensive manicures and pedicures. HELLO! Has anyone priced quality haircolor these days?

Michigan has the worst business climate in the nation, the worst-run state government, with wimpy Republicans all around.

Pathetic, folks. Oh, and did we mention Ford sales are down about 21 percent? Yep … pathetic.

You people have got to elect a leader who is entrepreneurial and not beholden to the union status quo.

This very lovely state — home to Kid Rock, Uncle Kracker, Eminem, John Varvatos, Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper and Madonna — is in the crapper.

Dontcha think that Harry Reid and his swishy cohorts in Congress are just using this "phony soldiers" ding against Rush Limbaugh because he keeps on exposing their cowardly conduct on the Hill?

We've got big problems in this country, people, and yet these lawmaking dudes are taking time out of the nation's business to publicly denounce Rush on the record. Koooky.

This kind of stuff is beneath Hillary and Obama and yet they go along with the rest of the crowd. We remind that it took them all a good, long time to denounce the Moveon.org ads that were actually offensive, if not unpatriotic. You know they're are just mad because their side can't make inroads on talk radio. Air America THIS!

Day 33 of not purchasing the cream Burberry coat we are dying to have. We cannot believe our willpower. Retailers are so concerned they are calling us at home.

Quote of the day (and we could not agree MORE) from Razorlight frontman Johnny Borrell: "I've never in my life liked a band that I didn't either want to shag the lead singer or be the lead singer."

To the entrepreneurial Silicon Valley kid who owns and developed Facebook.com: We know you stand to get billions but PUHLEEZE do not sell this fabulously fun enterprise to the golf-shirt wearing computer-goon soccer dads at Microsoft, et al. We don't need a bunch of 50-somethings trying to make it "better." We enjoy sending our pals cyberdrinks like a "Flaming Moe." We like getting "poked." It's a little big of whimsy on our dreariest of days.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times