Forbes has named America's Top 10 most influential pundits, and not one of them is from conservative talk radio — or is even Oprah. Lou "Send 'Em All Back to Mexico" Dobbs is No. 9, and Bill O'Reilly is No. 3, yet Al Franken is No. 4. Al Franken? There are like 10 bike-riding, Birkenstock-wearing, Law-and-Order hating, badly attired, 1977-era Winnebago dwellers listening to what he says, no? Influencing who? Garden gnomes?
The NFL has banned its cheerleaders from warming up or stretching in front of visiting teams. Like what? They were really there for CHEERING? Hello! These girls are there to shake their groove thangs and to bounce on the Jumbotron, and one of our sincerest hopes is that Major League Baseball will get some, too. They can spread out on the top of the dugouts and, um … dance. Yeah, that's it. Dance. Baseball could use a little bump and grind.
The recent spate of teachers being arrested for having sexual relationships with students leads us to believe that there are more than a few horny — if not insanely irresponsible — folks with insipid judgment working somewhere in education. If you can't keep it together long enough to make it to happy hour, hook up with the sweaty janitor or the nerdy band director, not KIDS. This is just getting too creepy.
Seattle residents can now have pygmie goats as pets, the city council ruled, in passing what is now known as the "Dennis Kucinich law." Little goats. Yep, little goats.
What's going on with R. Kelly these days? Is he still in trouble or did they get tired of dealing with him in Chicago? We need an update and sadly, we let our subscription to Vibe magazine lapse.
Oh, that Kevin Spacey: He's a great actor. But any well-informed Tinseltown A-lister knows that Hugo Chavez is a bloated tyrant who is running a beautiful country filled with extremely turbo hottie people INTO THE GROUND. Why you'd visit down there, given the abuses he's dumped on the people, is insanity. So he has a film studio — all these global nutjobs love movies, film and celebrity (see: Jong Il, Kim) — and they all try to use their power to bring the power of Hollywood to THEM. OY. And we really loved "American Beauty."
Where is Chelsea? Where is Chelsea? And why isn't she campaigning with Mommy?
We hate to admit it, but ya know, Bill Clinton is aging nicely. We went pore diving the other night in Little Rock and ya know, that boy has pretty hair and and nicely tailored suits. He seems to have gotten his fashion down pat. He's lost a lot of weight, too. We wonder if some voters who are on the fence about a chick in the Oval won't look at Hillary, think of HIM, and declare this a two-fer, hoping he'll be the one pulling the policy strings. Likely.
In case anyone is wondering: Yes, there is a Hillary '08 bumper sticker on the wall behind the bar at Doe's Eat Place. It's right next to the Bud Lite clock, and also a tad higher than the "I Slept with Ken Starr" sticker. Please make a note of it.
— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times
