So Mrs. Clinton calls our Big Daddy Dick Cheney Darth Vader? Like that's a bad thing? He should take a Jedi lightsaber to her backside.

Our galpal Audrey was a guest on the Dennis Miller show (click to hear audio). We are tres jealous. We think his verbal skills are supersexy. Snarkiness: It turns us on. He should be the official dating adviser to the College Republicans.

We went up to the Minneapolis airport and slipped into the Sen. Craig Memorial Stall, just to be sporting. And lo and behold, right there beside us he sat. We said: "Sir, are you back?" And he said: "Oh, thank gawd you are a girl. Can I borrow some TP?" And we said: "Sure, but only if you promise to be a good guy, keep a wide stance and bring back the border wall." And he said: "If I don't promise, am I stranded?" And we said: "Only if you don't put 'No new taxes' in writing." Under the wall came his hand, with a very nice pen. It looked Italian.

In the Phil Spector trial: Is this a hung jury, or should this jury be hung? No matter the verdict, one thing is certain: Sound boy do like his guns. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He has had more hairstyles and colors during the trial than we have had since college — from that big ol' Doctor Detroit-meets-Amadeus look in the beginning to his current coif that says "I'm pretending to look like a normal guy who does normal stuff, but in real life, I'm just plain crazy."

We would like you fair readers to know that Lesley Abravanel spells her name just like that. She's the queen of the Miami scene. She parts the velvet ropes. She knows all the celebrity dope. Sometimes, we simply enjoy free-styling. We are considering joining the Insane Clown Posse. Juggaloes. We love those guys.

Ahmadinejad: rhymes with WILL BLOW UP YOUR COUNTRY EVERY CHANCE I GET. Seriously people, who would even consider granting his request to see Ground Zero? For us, it's sacred ground; for him, probably inspiration. If it were up to us, we wouldn't let him enter our airspace. He can leave Air Terror on the tarmac and dial into the U.N. with a Web cam. As if.

We will probably not get over those nasty, cheap extensions tracks on the back of Britney Spears' head for as long as we live. OMG. Girl, you are rich. OMG, we are so creeped out. You are starting to look like someone K-Fed ought to date. Get thee to a Beverly Hills stylist and buy some good hair. We have seen better weaves on cats.