The Annotated Friday Food Blog

Bon appetit, foodies. We offer to you, a gift from us, a list of our fave Miss Andrea dining hotspots from around the nation (in no particular order). Calories not included.

1. Japonais — Chicago. Order from the hot and cold menu. Inventive sushi, yummy seafood, hip, warm Asian and comfortable. Have a before- and after-dinner drink downstairs in the sexiest of Chicago bar scenes (and yes, we were there long before Angie and Brad).

2. Nobu — Miami, Vegas and anywhere it's there and the mood strikes. You could book a table and suffer the requisite wait, OR we recommend sitting at the bar where the real action takes place — from the chefs. This is Japanese High Art, folks. Order the creamy-spicy rock shrimp, the miso cod, the crunchy spicy oysters and the yellowtail sashimi appetizer with jalepeno. Criminy, it's the best food ever. And the people-watching is superb.

3. Stewart's Hot Dogs — Huntington, W.Va. Freshly scrubbed college boys and girls in paper hats still serve you at this old-school drive-in — a tray attached to your car's window. Cheap dogs, unusual sauce, perfect root beer in a frosty mug. It's worth looking it up. The barbecue sandwiches with cole slaw are also turbofab.

4. Crook's Corner — Chapel Hill/Carrboro, NC. Shrimp and grits. Man, we love that stuff, and it's a pretty Southern enclave in this left-wing town.

5. Buckhead Diner — Atlanta. Order the homemade potato chips with gorgonzola. GAWD, it is SO superbad for you.

6. Little Door — Los Angeles. Take a date. It's just so, so lovely with the little twinkly lights.

7. Zen (Japanese Food Fast) — Austin, Tex. The greatest ever takeout, eat-in, not-fancy, healthy, clean Japanese you will find in America. Cheap eats. We could have lunch there every day and never get sick of it. They should have these in every city in America. Way better for you than McDonald's, which, BTW, has the greatest cup of coffee ever.

8. Khyber Pass — East Village, NYC. Dank, hookah central, with the best Afghani chow. We are addicted to the fesenjan. Just order it. Too hard to explain.

9. The Peninsula Hotel — Chicago. Go for tea. Linger, read, enjoy. It's a sophisticated respite. Makes us want to dig out the kidskin gloves (of course we own a pair, sillies).

10. Brockton Villa — La Jolla, Calif. We highly recommend the banana French toast or the crab eggs benedict. A small house, overlooking the famed cove. Feel the sea breeze, take in the chi-chi scene below.

11. Barton G. — South Beach, Miami. There is no more inventively plated food in America. And it's delicious as much as it is unique. Quite the scene. Wear high heels and a big earrings. You must.

12. Geoffrey's — Malibu, Calif. So, the food here is only OK. It's the view of the ocean and a nice bottle of Pouilly Fuisse that keeps us going back. Take a nice wrap. It's windy.

13. Zabar's — Upper West Side, NYC. The most amazing deli on Earth, but we go for the coffee. The world doesn't seem right if we don't have an orange and white bag of beans in our freezer. Yes, they mail order: www.zabars.com.

14. Tage — St. John, US Virgin Islands. Key lime margaritas, infused fruit vodkas of every stripe and fresh, seasonal entrees with good veggies and just the proper spin to make them memorable. We dream of this pineapple vodka. Straight up, chilled. Dee-lish. After a day sunning and snorkeling at Cinnamon Bay, this is the place to come.

15. Central Grocery — New Orleans. Open the door, walk directly to the back and order the muffuletta. After this experience, you'll understand why everyone else who puts this on their own menu is just a big ol' poser.

16. Herrera's Mexican Restaurant — Carrollton, Tex. Tex-Mex the way God intended it. Get the pinto bean soup. Oye, es muy yummy.

17. Kona Grill — everywhere you can find 'em. Order the onion rings. We know what you are thinking. Onion rings at an Asian joint? But yes. SUPERIOR.

18. Rosa Mexicano — Chelsea, NYC, and other cities. You could go to the original up near Lincoln Center, but honestly, the one down low has a better scene. Pomegranate margaritas, guacamole made tableside. It's totally enough to fill you up.

19. Wolfie Cohen's Rascal House — North Miami Beach. We hope their cheese Danish is in our heaven. If you can eat a whole one and walk, please call us.

20. Waffle House — anywhere in the South. Because sometimes scattered, smothered and covered is all you need to heal the pain. We think you know what we're talking about.

21. Antlers — Sault Ste. Marie, Mich. Stuffed game from all over the world grace this eatery, a scene right out of Twin Peaks. Yes, they have a 7-foot polar bear. Asbsolutely. Not the easiest place to get to, but nothing else like this in the world. Really. Weird, wacky stuff.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Forbes has named America's Top 10 most influential pundits, and not one of them is from conservative talk radio — or is even Oprah. Lou "Send 'Em All Back to Mexico" Dobbs is No. 9, and Bill O'Reilly is No. 3, yet Al Franken is No. 4. Al Franken? There are like 10 bike-riding, Birkenstock-wearing, Law-and-Order hating, badly attired, 1977-era Winnebago dwellers listening to what he says, no? Influencing who? Garden gnomes?

The NFL has banned its cheerleaders from warming up or stretching in front of visiting teams. Like what? They were really there for CHEERING? Hello! These girls are there to shake their groove thangs and to bounce on the Jumbotron, and one of our sincerest hopes is that Major League Baseball will get some, too. They can spread out on the top of the dugouts and, um … dance. Yeah, that's it. Dance. Baseball could use a little bump and grind.

The recent spate of teachers being arrested for having sexual relationships with students leads us to believe that there are more than a few horny — if not insanely irresponsible — folks with insipid judgment working somewhere in education. If you can't keep it together long enough to make it to happy hour, hook up with the sweaty janitor or the nerdy band director, not KIDS. This is just getting too creepy.

Seattle residents can now have pygmie goats as pets, the city council ruled, in passing what is now known as the "Dennis Kucinich law." Little goats. Yep, little goats.

What's going on with R. Kelly these days? Is he still in trouble or did they get tired of dealing with him in Chicago? We need an update and sadly, we let our subscription to Vibe magazine lapse.

Oh, that Kevin Spacey: He's a great actor. But any well-informed Tinseltown A-lister knows that Hugo Chavez is a bloated tyrant who is running a beautiful country filled with extremely turbo hottie people INTO THE GROUND. Why you'd visit down there, given the abuses he's dumped on the people, is insanity. So he has a film studio — all these global nutjobs love movies, film and celebrity (see: Jong Il, Kim) — and they all try to use their power to bring the power of Hollywood to THEM. OY. And we really loved "American Beauty."

Where is Chelsea? Where is Chelsea? And why isn't she campaigning with Mommy?

We hate to admit it, but ya know, Bill Clinton is aging nicely. We went pore diving the other night in Little Rock and ya know, that boy has pretty hair and and nicely tailored suits. He seems to have gotten his fashion down pat. He's lost a lot of weight, too. We wonder if some voters who are on the fence about a chick in the Oval won't look at Hillary, think of HIM, and declare this a two-fer, hoping he'll be the one pulling the policy strings. Likely.

In case anyone is wondering: Yes, there is a Hillary '08 bumper sticker on the wall behind the bar at Doe's Eat Place. It's right next to the Bud Lite clock, and also a tad higher than the "I Slept with Ken Starr" sticker. Please make a note of it.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Hey, what about that Lee Bollinger, the prez of Columbia University, giving that sicko Ahmadinejad the schpilkis before his much ballyhooed speech at the school yesterday? We are a little shocked and happily surprised by the tirade. You go, academic boy. About time you stood up and told him what is. We are a little saddened, tho, that the networks gave little Freakie Eyes a national television forum for his madness, but we love how LEO extraordinaire Bo Dietl described as "a little guy whose suits don't fit him." Terrific stuff.

Oh, and one more thing: No GAY people in Iran? That must explain that tieless, colorless unconstructed slacker jacket look that the kookshow keeps on wearing. AS IF.

Ah, yes: New episodes of House, M.D. We love the writing on this show. "Where did you come from?" Dr. House is asked. "Apes and Democrats," he responds. We nearly spilled our French roast all over our suburban news lair. There seem to be a lot of that genus and species floating around.

Mrs. Bill Clinton told Fox News' Chris Wallace that she can appeal to Democrats and Republicans ... and to that, we quote the venerable words of one Whitney Houston: "Crack is whack."

Shia LaBeouf looks like Russell Crowe's son, no? A dead ringer. We hope he is less angry.

We think Jenny McCarthy's bob is such a great cut, although we don't have the guts or the hair type to do it ourselves.

The people in Arkansas are supernice and we love the accents. We are homesick. We really are.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Over the weekend, one of our trusted Miss Andrea winged monkeys leaked us a copy of Bill Clinton's personal diary notes on becoming First Dude: We could not resist sharing some of his scribblings.

1. Hillary, likely too busy fighting with Congess (man, she can be so FRICKIN' MEAN (devil horns doodle)), will interview new intern candidates in the Oval. Gawd. So exciting. Skirts, pumps...I have missed this place. Plan college speaking tour, preferably SEC schools.

2. Must get H. to hire new Southern chef. This fitness crap that Dubya was eating is dirt. Who cooked for Elvis? Reschedule cardiologist appt.

3. Denise Rich will not stop callin' me. That girl is just too old. But I can still flirt with her for some money.

4. Get new Wii for Camp David. Renew adult film channels on cable up there.

5. Firm up Boys Night Out at Scores with Terry McA, Howard Stern (they love me here). Crash at Chelsea's apartment if it gets too crazy, press will not suspect.

6. Make "People I Hate in Washington" list. Remind H. to stick it to 'em. Lunch w. Vernon, Cafe Milano. Shopping trip: J. Crew — clerks, Georgetown cheerleaders — take business cards.

7. Call Tommy: Redo wall caricature at Palm. Set up golf outing with WaPo eds; remind them how rotten Bushies were, how fun WE are.

8. Restart "Strip Aerobics" class in WH gym. Invite Dana Perino. She was hot for a GOP chick. Call Hef: Remind him "I'm back." (Smiley face doodle with tongue hanging out.)

9. Begin private sax lessons at GW. Call Springsteen, invite him to play with me sometime. Hey, Lindsay Lohan can sing. Invite her, too. "I feel her pain." She probably needs a good father figure in her life. My "in."

10. Jessica Simpson, single. Put her at my table for state dinner. Must meet her soon to discuss "ambassadorship," private tour of my library. (Nick Lachey was one CRAZY mother. She is smokin'). Watch "Dukes of Hazzard" in WH viewing room. Order pork rinds. Do they have carbs? Make shopping list: Cheez Whiz, BBQ sauce, Macanudos...

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

So Mrs. Clinton calls our Big Daddy Dick Cheney Darth Vader? Like that's a bad thing? He should take a Jedi lightsaber to her backside.

Our galpal Audrey was a guest on the Dennis Miller show (click to hear audio). We are tres jealous. We think his verbal skills are supersexy. Snarkiness: It turns us on. He should be the official dating adviser to the College Republicans.

We went up to the Minneapolis airport and slipped into the Sen. Craig Memorial Stall, just to be sporting. And lo and behold, right there beside us he sat. We said: "Sir, are you back?" And he said: "Oh, thank gawd you are a girl. Can I borrow some TP?" And we said: "Sure, but only if you promise to be a good guy, keep a wide stance and bring back the border wall." And he said: "If I don't promise, am I stranded?" And we said: "Only if you don't put 'No new taxes' in writing." Under the wall came his hand, with a very nice pen. It looked Italian.

In the Phil Spector trial: Is this a hung jury, or should this jury be hung? No matter the verdict, one thing is certain: Sound boy do like his guns. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He has had more hairstyles and colors during the trial than we have had since college — from that big ol' Doctor Detroit-meets-Amadeus look in the beginning to his current coif that says "I'm pretending to look like a normal guy who does normal stuff, but in real life, I'm just plain crazy."

We would like you fair readers to know that Lesley Abravanel spells her name just like that. She's the queen of the Miami scene. She parts the velvet ropes. She knows all the celebrity dope. Sometimes, we simply enjoy free-styling. We are considering joining the Insane Clown Posse. Juggaloes. We love those guys.

Ahmadinejad: rhymes with WILL BLOW UP YOUR COUNTRY EVERY CHANCE I GET. Seriously people, who would even consider granting his request to see Ground Zero? For us, it's sacred ground; for him, probably inspiration. If it were up to us, we wouldn't let him enter our airspace. He can leave Air Terror on the tarmac and dial into the U.N. with a Web cam. As if.

We will probably not get over those nasty, cheap extensions tracks on the back of Britney Spears' head for as long as we live. OMG. Girl, you are rich. OMG, we are so creeped out. You are starting to look like someone K-Fed ought to date. Get thee to a Beverly Hills stylist and buy some good hair. We have seen better weaves on cats.

Ooooo ... wehavebeenwaitingonthisoneforfreakinEVER ...

Dear Mister Jesse Jackson:

With all due respect, and we mean it, we knew you would sooner or later attack Barack Obama like this. "Acting white?" You couldn't resist, could you? As much as we give you major props for your role in civil rights and sincerely honor your contributions to improving things, you are lost in the past, my man.

Mr. Obama, also a black person like yourself, has wisely decided not to climb about the race, class and oppression train. If he's not bro-enough for you, sorry, but he seems good enough -- or is it black enough? -- for Oprah and doggonit, that's enough for many here in 2007.

Just because he isn't rolling the classic urban agenda like you had hoped doesn't mean that he doesn't have minority interests -- and those of many others, at heart.

It would seem clear that there are many thoughtful minority people in this world who, despite many very real challenges and hurdles to clear, are sticking to a program of personal responsibility, and they are talented enough, well-educated enough and thoughtful enough to be seen as individuals, rather than have someone like yourself rabble-rousing a collective agenda that has no relationship to their own.

Rather than ride the old rhetoric, which has lost its sting over a host of issues, including yours, Mr. Obama seems to us like he's speaking to the here and now. And he doesn't have to rhyme to get his point across, either.

Shame on you for what you said. We wonder if you didn't smack Mr. Obama publicly because you are jealous of his political success. We're just sayin ... don't be such a hater, sir. Cause you aren't keeping hope alive. You seem now to be trying to kill it.

Your pal,

Miss Andrea

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We are in a post-birthday funk and hardly anything is interesting us midweek. Perhaps we have just had too much cake -- and shopping. Perhaps it is just our annual post-Emmy's funk. We really do need some new episodes of Dancing With the Stars to kick-start our glam mojo, although our new Tiffany necklace is ever so fab.

In any event, we offer these measly musings:

We think that kid who shouted down John Kerry at the University of Florida -- Go Gators! -- probably has a good case for overkill, and we note that he has already lawyered up with one of the best defense attorneys in North Florida, showing he means business.

Stay tuned.

We love his line to police: "Don't tase me, bro." It's straight out of a National Lampoon fraternity movie. Dude, that must've hurt. There is a college cure for it, however. Cheap beer and greasy chicken wings. Terrific good stuff.

We like it that "The View" has new faces, but we think there are now too many at that table and they are stepping on top of each other before any real points can be made. It's kind of like each of them are trying to out-thoughtful one another, or see who can be the funniest. It gives us grave anxiety. It's the same reason we simply could not join a sorority. Too many chicks yappin' all at once. AS IF.

We can totally applaud reform of our national healthcare, including caps on drug company profits -- but the whole Hillary plan gives us total pause. When you have government mandating personal choice -- it doesn't feel like we are in America, no? "Look, lady: We'll go to the doctor when we want to, k?" Mebbe we should rethink that timeshare in Costa Rica, or Cabo or somesuch.

We hope Kelly Ripa is eating enough. She is wasting away just like Angelina. We are concerned.

We discovered, upon recommendation of our galpal George, that rice noodles don't make us sick the way full-on pasta often does. Mebbe it's a wheat thing. We are converting. For now.

Is there silence in the McCain camp or are people just not paying attention? The only person who is attacking Hillary with any flare is Rudy, it would seem. We love it, by the way. Those two have the kind of personal baggage that makes for media carnage.

Those MoveOn.org freaks oughta get Rudy's angry spawn to do a commercial. And BTW: Where is Chelsea? Shouldn't she be getting out there about now? We think she's an asset, makes Hillary look good on some level. We are going to leave Chelsea a message on her Facebook wall tonight asking her 'What gives'? We hope she will let us be one of her friends.

We discern, from all the hyper-ventilating press releases that are clogging our princess mailbox (get a life, you overeducated teenage Hill staffers) that the government might shut down. COOL. Most of it, we'll never miss. Be good for us all to see how little we can get by on a big federal diet. Be kind of like Nutri-System for the nation.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Totally must-read reading: the Rich Karlgaard columns in Forbes. Genius. The one comparing Michigan's economy to the Unversity of Michigan's dismal football opening is uncanny spot-on.

What sort of person PAYS for a hit on K-Fed? We bet the FBI dudes were secretly laughing at this one. Sigh ... the Briney spiral continues in the courts. How about if someone responsible gets these kids -- they should mail 'em to Dr. Phil or mebbe that family on Seventh Heaven. They were SO darned nice.

And while we are at it: Gloria Allred is kind of like the well-coiffed cockroach of attorneys, no? We mean we could have the apocalypse and she'd show up the next day to defend the insects who survived. What a cavalcade of kooky money-seeking victims, er ... clients she has had. And yet she does have totally nice suits with lipstick that always matches. A little constructed but they work for her as uniform. Snaps.

Is it just us, or were OJ's taped comments in the Vegas memorabilia shakedown straight out of a Miami Vice episode? We think he could have beaten the robbery rap probably, but the tape is really damning. Apparently he still does have a temper ... uh-hum ... hiding the cutlery.

Dontcha just think Barry Manilow really exposed himself as a lamer than EVER as an artist and human being -- what with his cutting out of his scheduled appearance on "The View" over comments by the affably outspoken Elizabeth Hasselbeck? When we can't respect opinions that differ from our own ... perhaps he just did this to try to get publicity -- for himself. Ya think?

We have always been a huge Steven Cojocaru fan, but his hair is starting to look a little Lhasa-apso-ish. We'd like him just a tad cleaner. Time for a trim, oh fashion goddess.

We may put on a hat and dark glasses and venture into Kohl's to see what this down-market Vera Wang collection is all about. If you see us, please avert your eyes. We will deny it with the same happy ferocity of an Alberto Gonzales congressional testimony.

Ugly Betty star America Ferrera is one semester from a degree in international relations at USC. We knew she was bright -- and also incredibly well-mannered and gracious. She makes normal look so great.

We hate to break your hearts, but our family auto this week is a Lamborghini Gallardo. In yellow. And yes, people stare. It's a panther, 100 percent open-road trouble. It's not us -- we loved the Bentley more -- but it is really cool.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

Wow ... it seems we touched a nerve on Friday with readers around the nation, so to be magnanimous, today we offer our sincerest apologies to Lexus/Audi/Benz/Porsche-driving cat hoarders everywhere.

Who knew that those who like cats also own great cars? Terrific stuff.

Power to the people, y'all.

We went shopping for our birthday weekend and now we have two new pairs of Ugg boots. No, we could not stop ourselves. AS IF. We are also on a first name basis with the personal shopper at Neiman Marcus. It is good to have friends in retail places.

This just in from the KARMA POLICE: O.J. Simpson arrested on felony charges in Vegas. No, of course he didn't hold the gun, he just did the threatening this time. Truly this is a guy who seems like he very much does not think the law applies to him. So, you just walk into a random hotel room and threaten people to get your stuff back? Dude ... Be very careful people, the universe IS keeping score -- and Johnnie Cochran is dead.

We are no election genius or one of the strategist folks on Fox News, but here's what we've been thinking: Hillary, while ahead in the polls, weighs in on difficult issues like health care and then goes toe to toe with Giuiliani over the war, because she can't resist and boom ... what little likeability ground she's gained in these past few months evaporates ... and there is the Obama window and with all that Oprah money, he looks fresh and untainted and she looks hard and mean and comes with lots of baggage.

She's in a tough spot and this is the chick factor TOTALLY at play: Can you be a woman and be tough and fight back and still come off as likeable? Thatcherish ... there's the word for it. If she wants to win, she'll have to be more Thatcherish. But ultimately that will mean she can't strategize with her finger in the wind or make policy by the polls. We can feel the wheels coming off. We really can.

If we were Barack Obama, we'd probably secretly be wishing our wife, Little Miss Candid, was a little more discreet. She's killing his mystique.

Our better half wants to use minoxidil to grow hair -- on the dog. He's not a freak or anything. It's a long story. She got shaved and it won't grow back. It's not a good look.

Last night was the Emmy Awards, one of our fave television nights of EVERY year. We clung to the family divan -- a 40 between our knees -- in anticipation of all of the fashion gaffes and the self-absorbed speeches. Thus, our fabulous Miss Andrea round-up on everything telly:

That Jersey Boys music number saved the whole darned night. Memo to self: must see more Broadway this year.

One of the coolest things about Paulie Walnuts is that in real life, he seems nearly the same as his Soprano's character -- minus the sociopathic tendencies, natch. Where do they get guys like that? Wait ... but of course ... Jersey, Long Island.

We don't necessarily think Al Gore is aging gracefully. Mebbe he eats because he is worried about the planet? We think James Spader must be feasting upon the same chow as his castmate William Shatner. He looks so middle-aged and we used to think he was hot.

To Sally Field: They beeped your war speech, honey. We appreciated the free expression and all the celebrity peace quacking but ... this is a TV show, not real life, and you're an actor and we don't care so much what you think. Sigh ... they all think they have power, no?

"If I were to categorize your natures, it would be generosity above all," says Brit Helen Mirren of the American spirit. True that, Crumpets. True that.

We think Jeremy Piven deserved his award for inhabiting a character who is as true to the Hollywood machine as we have seen. We love how he makes us nervous with his insouciance. His cast is fab, too.

Vanessa Williams gets prettier every year she gets older. So does Kyra Sedgwick.

Katherine Heigl (a D.C. native) is physical perfection. She channels old Hollywood but in such a modern and accessible way. Saucy yet sweet.

We like Ryan Seacrest most of all because he works really hard, but we give him a grade D as host. Not so funny. Not at all edgy. We should not have turned them down this year.

Robert Duvall certainly deserves an Emmy and every other award they wanna give him. He's pretty darned magic in just about everything he does. He's right, too. We all secretly wanna be in a Western, right? Sometimes late at night we ride the pony at the grocery store and pretend. It only costs a nickel. (see YouTube.) Guilty ... yippee yo, ki-ay.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We have been doing a little political research ... of the kind we do best: anecdotal. To wit, we have observed a unique phenomena -- the Ron Paul supporter.

Every time we pull up and see one of his bumper stickers it is invariably on some mud-covered early '90s beater, the backseat so jammed with implausible items that it looks like it belongs to one of those cat hoarder people, and/or Fred Sanford.

We like to drive up alongside and look in: and pretty much, the driver is always someone kinda cock-eyed who would be perfect for a bit part on Twin Peaks or perhaps a random Jim Jarmusch movie. What to say, what to say.

In the Tommy Lee-Kid Rock feud, we must admit that we like both of those rockalicious headbangers SO much, we couldn't possibly take sides. They are nasty, but in a ... good way.

There is nothing more fabulous than a good ole rocker brawl. Makes us pine for the days when CeCe Deville and Brett Michaels went at it. On that note, we would add that those "girls" on Brett's Rock of Love show are ugly skanks, and honestly we do think our he could do much better than that -- on his own. He has very pretty eyes, no?

But he could use Stacy and Clinton for a makeover. Even rock stars need help sometimes. They really do.

Music mea culpas: Apparently, we were a bit too optimistic yesterday with the idea that Kenny Chesney would move more product than Kanye and Fitty.

In any event, we love his new song "Better As a Memory" and think it has the most depth of any on this new disc. We also recommend "Shift Work," with Mr. George Strait. While all his exes live in Texas, all of ours are:

a. in federal prison
b. in metal bands
c. living in suburbia, playing golf.

AS IF.

You know boys and girls, there is a new Chaka Khan record set to drop soon. We may camp outside of the Virgin Mega-store for this one. It's the first in 10 years.

Thud ... that is the sound of Fred Thompson's campaign hitting the pavement. If a much ballyhooed conservative falls in the Heartland, does anyone hear it? Not to be a hater, but we don't feel any traction. Vroom ... nope, just wheels spinning. Perhaps it is too early ...

Our galpal Jill, who wears natural fibers and deepens her vegetarian commitment every year -- and who hails from the People's Republic of Chapel Hill -- says all the Republican candidates kind of look like Dick Cheney to her. OH, IF IT WERE SO. We hum the Darth Vader song every time we see our Big Daddy on TV. What if the GOP ticket were Cheney/Gingrich?

Thank you, thank you very much.

President Bush should award pundit Michelle Malkin an office called the Secretary of Sayin' It Like It Is. She also deserves a shampoo commercial. L'Oreal, line one. Her hair is the shiniest in the biz. We must place a call and compare conditioners. We are tres jealous.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We were bemused yesterday when we saw a promo on the CNN Web site that said: "While politicians and the White House debate the war, Anderson Cooper is in Iraq, keeping them honest."

No offense to Mr. Cooper, who seems like a totally hardworking chap, but while he's over there slipping on the perfectly weathered Levi's, his pastel-colored Prada shirt and chicly rugged Varvatos boots, a crew of overworked producers are dodging bullets, weathering the heat and working their tails off so Anderson can look like he's "keeping politicians honest."

AS IF.

We were also laughing outloud in our pink news lair yesterday upon learning how the John Edwards campaign is offering supporters a chance to win a contest to rebuild homes in Katrina-damaged Louisiana. We thought anyone could just go down and volunteer. Who knew you needed John Edwards to put you in the charity loop? And, you don't have to give money to be entered to win. WHAT A GUY! Political genius.

We are not a fan of the ginormous clutch trend. A small one, fine. But the big ones look like circus props, something carried by a Serb juggling troupe.

Many of you fine readers have written us to inquire: Do you have tickets to the Spice Girls Reunion Tour? And of course the answer is yes! We think it will be smashing and we are considering going on the Posh Spice diet straightaway. She always looks so angry tho ... could it be from lack of food or just the haircut? We wonder.

Simon, Paula and Randy -- American Idol's dysfunctional triumvirate -- have volunteered to rescue Britney Spears ... seriously. We think she should move in with Simon, go shopping with Paula and let Randy record her in the studio. We think this is the ultimate humanitarian save, kind of like getting a bad puppy out of the pound. We just wonder if she's housebreakable?

We went to the gym last night to run the Princess Triathalon -- steam, sauna and whirlpool. We are so tired.

Funny how that polygamist leader Warren Jeffs looks not only like Ichabod Crane, but also much like the Harry Dean Stanton character in HBO's "Big Love." Or vice versa. We love Harry Dean. He is the greatest, oddest duck.

So ... nearly all of the tracks on Kenny Chesney's latest record, "Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates" are charting.

Not just a couple of singles ... like, all the songs. That boy is golden. He might outsell Fitty and Kanye. Talk about crossover.

-- Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

EDITOR'S NOTE: Andrea, don't hold your breath. We called Cat's, THE country record store in Knoxville, Tenn. (near where Kenny grew up). Fitty and Kanye are killing your boy.

Yesterday was most somber ... but today, after a few Xanax coladas, we are straight back to nastyville. To wit:

If, hypothetically of course, a train hit that humorless, self-absorbed, self-righteous America-hating, Academy Award winner Sean Penn -- would you jump to your feet and pump your fist "YES!"?

Please vote here:

RIP to the 2,996 who perished on September 11, 2001.

GRACE to friends and family of the dead. You were not alone six years ago and you are not alone now. God sees your pain and hears your prayers and will never let you down.

RESPECT to the brave military personnel who do what 99.9 percent of us would never dream or be able to accomplish — protect us from tyranny. Thank you, one million times over. And that's not even enough.

PROMISE to Osama bin Laden, his followers, those who hate Americans around the world. Make fun of our culture, our politics, our way of life, rant against us in some goony third-rate tape like you think you matter here — and know this: We will never back down in the face of threats, never convert in the name of violence, never surrender our values and faith. Never lose sight that one day soon, we're coming after you and there won't be any place to hide. Remember Saddam, pulled from a rat hole like a slimy grub on a stick? That'll be you, and all your nasty, blind-eyed followers who scatter in every pit and sewer around the globe, pretending that what you are doing is some sort of religion. We haven't forgotten. Not for one minute. You'll be found. They are called Marines. They are undaunted; they are fearless. BE VERY AFRAID.

WARNING to those who might underestimate us around the world. We will prevail. Please make a note of it. Because we are America, the greatest, funnest, coolest and freest country on the planet. We have rock 'n' roll, malls, Al Sharpton, Oprah, Donald Trump and yes, even Britney Spears, and you hate us because you fear our freedom, our strength, our belief in the power of people, our willingness to let everyone live as they please, worship as they see fit and say whatever they need to say. And we'll never give up against you. Never.

WE ARE AMERICA, CHUMPS.

AS IF.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

We bought two pairs of corduroys this weekend to help us get into the fall spirit, but so far it isn't working. We hate it that a time change is coming soon, don't you? Sigh. But we do love the pretty leaves.

We bet you a million dollars Mitt Romney is one nice man, but we gotta say that he looks so perfectly attired and so inhumanely scripted, particularly at the debates, that we wonder if he isn't made of wax. Is it just us? We have trouble connecting — it all seems oddly unnatural. And yet, probably really ... nice.

The MTV Awards, from Vegas this year? Could not help ourselves. And so Britney made her much-anticipated comeback and turns out she does have a future after all: at a suburban strip club. Talk about phoning it in. Talk about a good 10 pounds bloated with a gut. Smile, honey. You do have something to prove, and while we are on a rant, who in the world is managing you? And if he or she isn't furious this morning, he isn't earning his money.

Did you see that youngster Chris Brown? Now THAT was dancing and performing. Genius.

Seeing Cee-Lo sing some rock with the Foo Fighters, didn't he look and kind sound of like a heavyweight Darius Rucker with some exceptional jewelry?

Speaking of heavy, what has Beyonce been eating? Girl looks big. But Timbaland looks amazing, having gotten so fit, and anything he touches seems to turn to gold.

Finally, didntcha smile big at the Pepsi beachball commercials, especially the whale? Q-T!

Kanye West. Rhymes with "HIT MUTE BUTTON."

What if we had a secretary of state that was like the Ari character on "Entourage?"

If he can successfully take on Harvey Weinstein and win, what might he do with Chavez or some other global baddies? Negotiate this. Ari is the parfait diplomat for our times. Oh, if it were so. We hate it that this season's "Entourage" is over. We know a guy in real life who is just like Johnny Drama.

We thought that chick who got booted from Southwest Airlines last week for her ... ummmmm ... fashion-forward outfit looked "smokin' hot," kind of like Leslie Bibb as Will Ferrell's wife in "Talladega Nights." Sometimes we fantasize about putting a cougar into Al Gore's Prius. Scratch that. We meant "extremely environmentally friendly" Lear jet. Kidding. We love animals way too much for that.

Speaking of animals: Paris Hilton got tired of all those 20 yappy chihuahuas she drags all over tarnation, and now she's planning on a baby? Way to get your life together, honey. What about college? Business school? Oh, yes, and the all-important husband? Look at Ivanka Trump. She's blonde, rich and smart, and she ain't getting naked on the Internet, either. We do, however, love the short and real hair, a welcome change.

If we were a University of Michigan grad — ummm, no, Go Gators — we'd be really crying into our pumpkin spice latte. A bad two weeks for the Wolverines.

Curtis Granderson is THE most unsung player in MLB. Can you say "contract renegotiation," boys and girls? If not the Tigers, mebbe he'd like playing in Chicago? He's becoming Jeter-like, but with a different set of skills.

— Andrea Billups, The Washington Times

It's almost the weekend. Do you know where your Louboutins are?

We were driving the family Beamer and stopped at a light. There it was, our favorite bumper sticker of the whole campaign season: Cheney-Valdemort 2008. How parfait! We laughed so hard, we snorted our nonfat, extra-hot Starbucks green tea latte out of our nose.

In other news: It is not lost on us that this has been fashion week in New York. We had planned to attend but were hospitalized briefly upon news that Valentino was soon to retire. Floyd, the smelling salts, please. Nonetheless, because it is Freaky Fashion Friday, we offer a few small items from our own pret a porter grab bag. You can copy us if you want. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And besides, we don't live near you.

Loving these:

So, Osama has a dye job? Well, now. It must have been rough to get a box of that Grecian Formula stuff down into his cave. It does look surprisingly natural, especially since he didn't visit a salon. Even though he still looks creepy — major snaps to the terror dude. (We'd never color at home). We do, however, wish he'd get a new outfit. That yellow one looks kind of like the curtains from the guest bedroom at Tara. We guess it would be tough for him to order something nice online, what with the lack of broadband in Pakistan.

-- Andrea Billups, national political reporter

The Thompson presidential announcement on Leno was OK. Not dreadful, at times thoughtful. But we wonder if all that passive folksiness will resonate. His new ads don't really set a standard in branding; they look and sound dated and we don't hear passion. It's going to take that to win here, what with Obama smoking it up with his GQ cover and fresh-faced idealism.

We think Thompson needs Geico's ad agency -- the Martin Group? -- you know, the ones who do the cavemen and the gekko -- something modern and inventive. Otherwise, he's just another old dude in a sea of old dudes. Know what we mean?

Steve Fossett was described as "a hard-wired achiever." We like that description mucho. What a compliment. We fear for him now. We really do. We heard his pal Richard Branson chatting on Fox about the disappearance. Branson's accent is sublime. He seems like such a fabulous rogue. Growl.

Frank Luntz did a terrific job for Fox News after Thursday night's debate.

The post-show interview with voters was a terrific idea. It really gave insight into what real folks were thinking in the moment. Luntz did shockingly thoughtful TV -- minus the gooney on-air personality hype that we usually see. We love him. We may put him on our "must meet" list, right after Wayne Newton.

"Style does matter, clearly, as much as substance," says Frank. We totally agree and we say the same thing when we shop for shoes.

We also give some major props to John McCain, who did a thoughtful job, and often, we must add that we are moved by the earnestness of Mike Huckabee. (Veep, anyone?)

We are wondering what a McCain/Giuliani ticket might look like or vice versa. We'd love to see McCain take on Hillary -- one on one. She would need a chain suit. We'd also like to see her debate Giuliani. Chant with me, people: Cage match. Cage match.

We were not surprised by the death of Pavarotti -- clearly that boy liked to sing and EAT -- but we did love his voice: a true original and one that when you heard it, you knew.

We are a particular fan of his "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's Turandot, although we also are extremely fond of the Aretha Franklin version from years back on the Grammys.

We can hear the razzing from opera enthusiasts everywhere, and we totally understand that we have stepped into it with this pronouncement. But ... Miss Aretha can blow on the opera, folks. We hope her version is on the Heaven soundtrack. We really do. Diva, divo.

-- Andrea Billups, national political reporter, The Washington Times

... Alert the hounds.

Memo to all hotel desk clerks in the city: Hide any and all front desk items that could be thrown -- now. Master thespian Russell Crowe is in town, joining earth-saver extraordinaire Leo DiCaprio to film a Ridley Scott flick in the District.

It's reportedly a thriller from Warner Bros. called "Body of Lies."

That title kind of sounds like another Al Gore book, no? We hope the film is better than his recent biography, "An Inconvenient Truth."

We have been thinking about a parfait campaign song for Barack Obama and here's what we've come up with: "Baby I'm a Star" by Prince.

Fabulous, no?

Suits him to a tee. We are texting Oprah this instant. We think she will agree. Oprah, Obama. Obama, Oprah.

BTW: Didya know you could buy a Barack for Prez onesie on the Web site? Barack Baby Goods ... what odd, if not inventive, marketing. Which makes us wonder ... is there Baby Reagan gear? There should be. There really should.

We said the first time we read the transcript that Sen. Craig was entrapped. We stand by our first impression after listening to the tape. Craig should have told that officer to kiss off -- and called the nastiest lawyer he could afford.

Was he so afraid of the media that he pleaded guilty to avoid the onslaught? We could totally understand that.

We love how his GOP weenie pals in Congress caved in immediately. They cut him loose because he's from a small state that doesn't matter ... tell the truth.

-- Andrea Billups, national political reporter, The Washington Times